nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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