made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
