My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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