is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
