i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
