Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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