hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
