we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My vagina just clenched in fear
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
