You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
