Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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