Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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