6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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