Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
