Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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