The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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