oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I still have a little drunk in my system
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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