i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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