Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
