I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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