When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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