I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
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