As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
