I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
