and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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