I just saw a hot homeless man
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
