my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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