My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
