I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic