Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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