I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
