I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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