Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking