somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
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I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.