I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.