Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
