I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
