He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
