The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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