I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
