I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
