True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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