You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
