I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
