He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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