Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dick very happy bro
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
