I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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