If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I need to calm my uterus...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
