FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
