the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
