I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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