i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
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You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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