my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
