and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
