24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
