you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
