I'm really into asian looking animals
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Randomize
