Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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